Today I wanted to talk about someone who alot of us have met, it has different names, but all the names lead to one thing, you doubt yourself, you don’t think you’re good enough. Your art’s not good enough oh you’ll have a hundred reasons why, you can’t write that book your spellings not good enough. You can’t climb that mountain, you don’t have the right boots, you know the voice it’s in your head, it’s always there, some people can tame that voice and make it do what they want it to, sadly I am not one of those people, so today I’d like to introduce you to “Self Sabotage my Inner Demon”
It’s when you hear that voice that tells you you can’t, shouldn’t, won’t, better not, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, it’s all that same demon. I call it the voice of “Self sabotage” do you recognise that voice? is it someone you’ve known or currently know…… Can you put a face on that voice? I can!
Two weeks ago I applied for an unpaid job writing a blog for a local football team here in Australia called The Richmond Football club. I applied on the spur of the moment and submitted my art blog as a reference ( my theory was that if they saw that I write a blog and I’m dedicated and they could read my blog they’d see my style of writing it might help) and thought no more about it.. last week I got the call to say that I had been chosen to write the blog one of only 5 people in AUSTRALIA!!!! And yes he’d been to read my art blog and he was impressed and that was why he’d chosen me!
So imagine how wrapped I was because some of you might know that one of my long time/term goals is to write a book, and I looked at this as a stepping stone to get there.
The deal was I had to go to the club today at 5.30pm and have a meeting with the publicity dept, so we could discuss guidelines and rules etc. I ended up changing the time because my son has parent teacher interviews tonight.
So I agreed and hung up and then yelled and jumped with excitement and then rang my bestest best friend and I rang my cousin and my husband and all my kids, everyone said “This is your perfect dream job, writing and someone will read it!” It’s why I love penpalling so much, I get to write and people read.
But by the next morning the “self sabotage demon” had started voicing her evil opinion and sharpening her claws and now a week later I’ve just resigned the job!
In the week between the phone call of acceptance and the email of rejection of the job my shoulders got tighter and tighter each day, the headaches came and the feeling of being squeezed between a rock and a hard place took over until last night I broke.. I cried, I wailed and I quit.
This morning I woke up feeling drained and empty and lonely I don’t think I got enough support , but as I journalled all this last night and this morning I realised that voice was someone familiar. The evil “self sabotage voice” was that of my Mother and I had let her win again! Even from the grave this woman rules my life even when she’s dead I hear her in my head telling me I’m STILL, at 43 yrs old not good enough.
When I got pregnant with my first child I made a decision and I’m so glad I did, I decided that I would be everything the opposite of my Mother. I hope and pray that my daughters never hear the ugliness of my voice rattling around in their heads, telling them they’re not good enough. I’ve always tried to make sure they saw something good out of whatever situation they were in so that they would never be like me, I think so far so good.
So I say “goodbye” to one of my longterm/time dreams of writing, the voice of “Self Sabotage Demon” tells me that I’m not good enough to be a writer, “Who would want to read what YOU have to say and even if they did read it they’d laugh at your stupid phrasing and they’d sneer at you, you don’t know what you’re talking about you’re not qualified to write a blog about MY football team”… Ok so you win *again* I quit, there are you happy now?