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The Ultimate let down..

So the Ultimate disappointment came today, there is now NO release date on the table, he’s there until. Until his Blood improves, until the anti biotics do their thing, just until..

His blood markers had plateaued and today slightly risen. His health, his knee and most everything else looks good, except his emotional health, but his Blood is misbehaving. He was booked in for an Echocardiogram (didn’t happen) we have always had an appointment for that on Monday. Monday it is.

So basically there is no end in sight, l know l sound like l’m whining. I don’t mean to but it’s so frustrating and heart breaking.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers and love, we ALL appreciate your thoughts for our boy.

To our Elder children Jasmin, Amber and Jay, and my beautiful Grandchildren, thank you for coming to visit l know it’s a long haul, but it so helps him. Kittapillar thank you for your little messages and videos he laughs! Its times like these that the family have pulled together.

Breanna is Star Son’s girlfriend and you continue to be his best medicine and we so appreciate you.

Family are the best medicine.

But l am so angry, I’m not even sure who or what l’m angry at. I can’t blame him for loving a sport and being so dedicated to it. I can’t blame the Dr’s they’ve all been amazing and let’s have a shout out to those most lovely of nurses.. Fiona, Jade and Marrissa at Epworth, and then the lovely Pheobe and Demi and Sam, at Austin, there have been so many beautiful caring women who l knew l could go home and leave him with, because they looked after him amazingly.

Today we asked the Dr, “Was this caused by something we did or didn’t do? Is it because he’s stressed about being here? Is there anything we can do to help the infection numbers come down??”

The answer to all of the questions was NO. And then comes the inevitable question “Why?” Why him? Why can’t you stop it? Why? WHY??

And for once someone gave me an honest answer.. “We don’t know why, We don’t know what to do, we are watching and waiting.”

Star Sons eyes filled with tears, my eyes filled with tears, and he asked “Do you have anymore questions?” I did Not, he just answered mine so l turned to Star Son and asked “Is there anything you don’t understand?” He shook his head and mumbled “Only why l can’t go home”

So the Dr took a deep breath and went through the options, in laymens terms they are expecting, due to the slight raise in the blood numbers that he is going to spike a fever and need to be rushed back to surgery! God l pray they are wrong!!

The Doctor left and we sat in silence for a while, me fighting back tears and him gently fuming, and then he sighed and said “I’m going to spend the rest of my f%$#ing life in here” Yep! my heart cracked a little more.

I explained that although it wasn’t the news we wanted to hear, it was right, if l took him home and he spikes a temp we’d be right back where we were last Tuesday when he passed out in the drive way… gosh was it only last week? It feels like forever!

He’s beyond sad, he’s just angry with the world and with me, and l try to not take it personally, l mean it’s part of the Mothering process to be a safe haven to let him vent his emotions… But l’m also trying to keep mine under control and all l really want to do is lay down beside him and cry.

The man in the bed opposite and across one has been a quadriplegic for 29 years. He turns 50 years old on Wednesday. He has been talking to Star Son about Football and bloke stuff, he’s a lovely guy. Today he got released and he came over to Star Sons bed and apologised and said he felt guilty for going home when it should have been Star Son, we quickly re assured him it’s all good he has a party to attend!

He really made me stop and look at my whinging attitude, he was very sick and in a lot of pain but he always had a nice word to the other three patients in the room and every single person from the tea lady to the cleaners and every nurse, he was always upbeat and happy. I need to take a leaf from A’s book.

I need to but l’m sad, l’m angry and l’m feeling rather numb. Sitting in the hospital for 11 hours a day is wearing.

Maybe I’ll start next week.

Another day, another disappointment…

Day 9.. Another day sitting by his bed.

We were told Sunday we were supposed to go home Monday, so we got here bright and early eager to take him home.

All his canullas were removed, his drainage tube was removed, the dressings were removed, he was untethered for the first time since Wednesday. We felt hopeful.

Physio came and did some knee manipulations and put him on crutches to see how he would be able to move. He’s been using under arm crutches for a few weeks, she changed him arm crutches, he managed those.

She took him next door to the gym and put him at the parallel bars trying to get his knee straighter. The colour drained from his face he groaned “I don’t feel too good” a chair was quickly placed behind him, l ran for some water, we spent ten minutes deep breathing as the colour gradually returned to his face. Back to the room we hobbled, Mum with a wheel chair “Just in case”

We waited patiently, told that the pharmacy would visit and some one from Hospital in Home would visit and interview us to see if we were suitable candidates for them to visit, and we waited for the 1.00pm appointment for the picc line to be put in.

He was nervous about that they explained again how it would happen and then slid him onto the bed to take him away. I had an hour to waste. I made his bed, cleared his bedside table and read my book, how long 60 minutes feels!

Finally he was back, the PICC line inserted merely a bump in his arm and the relief of that drama clearly showed on his face, so we sat and we waited, for the HIH and for Dracula to take more bloods and for the pharmacist.. and we waited, and waited some more.

Finally the lovely nurse Demi said “it’s 4:45pm everyone goes home at 5:00pm it’s not looking good.” The sparkle left his eye and the smile left his face, and l struggled to hide the tears. Tomorrow you’ll go home we said!

Tuesday we were here bright and early before 7:30am because that’s when Drs do their rounds.

We thought we were going home. They said they wanted to check his bloods again and if that was trending down he could go home.

And so we waited.. and waited and then at 4:45pm we were told “Probably not today, but the big Drs will be in tomorrow” so more disappointment, we wait.

Wednesday we didn’t dare get our hopes up and he wasn’t in a good frame of mind either. The Big Drs did their ward rounds at 10:30am, a whole bunch of them, who decided that they would like him to do some MORE IV antibiotics his spirits went down and so did ours. The Dr wanted to confer with the Surgeon about what the next move should be.

But no one conferred with us.

So Dad, at work, rang us to see what was going on, we gave him the same reply “Nothing new to report” l feel like a recording.

He hung up and rang the Ward Sister who told him and then reluctantly told us “The Dr is waiting for the Surgeon to get back to him, so for now you’re still here” another day waiting in hope and gets to 3.00pm and crashes down.

Thursday, we get up this morning, we’re tired and we’re sad imagine how much worse he feels. We wanted to be here for Dr’s rounds back to 7.30am today.

Doctors rounds they’re fast, they breeze in do a quick history and give thumbs up and move on. But today we had questions! Why? How long?

Bottom line is Surgeon wants to see Star Son and see for himself how the knee is bending and to tell us the blood count has plateaued, the surgeon will decide what to do about that.

So we wait.. and we wait… and we play cards and watch television and we wait.. it’s day 9… and we wonder “When will he go home?”

Family…. How do you live with out them?

Borrowed from wikipedia…

In the context of human society, a family (from Latin: familia) is a group of people related either by consanguinity (by recognized birth), affinity (by marriage or other relationship), or co-residence (as implied by the etymology of the English word “family”)[citation needed] or some combination of these.[citation needed] Members of the immediate family may include spouses, parents, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters.[citation needed] Members of the extended family may include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, and siblings-in-law. Sometimes these are also considered members of the immediate family, depending on an individual’s specific relationship with them.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. By blood, by marriage, by soul ties, by chance.

These last three weeks have really defined for me MY family.

I gave birth to four children, and I inherited our eldest by marriage with my husband, we made a deal when we blended our families and added our Star Son, that we wouldn’t say “Step son or daughter” they are our children. We have Five Children, and those five children have so far, given us six Grandchildren. Then we add in the “in-laws” we have a son in law, and a Dutch Daughter in law, and a lovely girl we call “daughter” who is dating Star Son, they are 17, still young and time to add the “In Law” to her name, but in the mean time, she is my family, and the Grandchildren call her “Aunty”

Families are such touchy things, they can work and be brilliant or they can fail miserably. I grew up with “half sisters” it was always made known, I found out on my 25th birthday I had a full blooded Brother, who had been given up for adoption at birth, we share the same blood, we grew up for the first 25 years of my life as strangers, but when we met, there are resemblances that make us “Family” as well as DNA etc etc. For me personally family has been a failure. I decided very early in, I would be a different Mother, different from the one who raised me, and I have succeeded. I have gotten on better with my “In Laws” families more than my so called “Family”

So these three weeks have for me cemented the fact that I have done something right, when stuff goes bad, family step in.

Star Son tore his ACL, MCL and Meniscus in his knee the last Sunday in April. Then started all the Doctors appointments and tests and scans, and through it all his brothers and sisters have been beside him, calling him, checking in, driving him places, baking him food, visiting him to keep his spirits up. Our eldest son is travelling and so in another state but he keeps in touch via Facetime. And Star Son might not admit it, but he loves that they check in. This past week has been extra hard for him with infection invading his knee and then his blood system, resulting in him needing two more surgeries and so today is day 7 back in hospital.

Today he and we believed he would be coming home, and so his eldest Sister had made plans to come visit so his niece and nephews could see Big Unca! Today the drips came out, the drainage tube came out yesterday, today he says “Mum lets go for a walk” and so very slowly we did stopping to sit and rest as needed.

We made it to the hospital Cafe and found a seat when his phone buzzed, Facetime with number one sister and Faerygirl and Squishy, on the way to school, they wanted to say hello! He was wrapt! He chatted briefly and then hung up, we made our way back up to his ward, the phone buzzed again, it was big brother number two, he has just started working and was on his morning break, he wanted to check in, they chatted briefly and then said Goodbye. Again, he was wrapt! Just lately, he’s been feeling like he’s been dumped in hospital and forgotten.

He had surgery last Friday and as he came out of surgery, his girlfriend and her Mum were there waiting to see him, his other family, who treat him like he’s part of their family. His girl friend, her Grand Mother even chats to him on messenger checking up on him, FAMILY, they might not be his Blood but they are in his heart! His number one Sister and her family came to visit a little while later, looking back at the photos he was pretty out of it and the told me today “I can’t really remember them being here, I was too tired” and very very sick.

Family… they’re there when the chips are down. Later this afternoon number one son, sent him a funny little video saying “Kebabs before Abs” which his beer belly hanging out and Star Son laughed out loud, a sound we haven’t heard lately, and I thanked Jehovah for one silly Son making one sad one laugh! It was a lovely sound. It didn’t last long when the lovely Nurse Demi told him “Sorry dude you won’t be going home today!” He lost the sparkle in his eye and there were no more laughs.

Friends are great if you have the right ones, I am blessed to have one who has been with me for over 30 years, and on Saturday she trekked to the hospital to see me so she could hug me, she lets me off load all my woes, she gave Star Son a hug and she left, blew in and out like a fresh breath of air and she’s kept in touch via text every day, thats TRUE friendship, I once read a quote about how “Friends are the family you give yourself” and giving myself Lady Hawk was the best thing I ever did. But friendships these days are not made equal and its showing this past week, where very few if any of his friends have made any effort to check in and see how he is. My heart breaks for him. His girlfriend and her Mum visited Friday, they visited Saturday when they heard how low he had gotten and then on Sunday we brought her in for the day with us its a 45 minute drive each way, so we brought her with us and then gave them some time to be together. She’s clever this girl. She ordered Uber Eats- Subway and he actually ate! She’s a gem! She is our Family.

I watched a series on Television, I cant recall the name of it, but the theme song touched me Family by Mother Mother it really relates to MY Family.

This morning, we had a small person climb into bed with us, she snuggled up and went back to sleep, I opened an eye and there was this beautiful little face right in front of me. Yeah it was early and I really wanted to sleep a bit longer, but then as I lay there watching this face, this second generation of my Family, I thanked Jehovah for being right where I was. I’ve been focusing on how awful all the stuff with Star Son is, I had forgotten to look at my blessings, so I snuggled that little warm person, and smelt her hair and watched her little eyes crack open and smiled as she sleepily said “Hello Grandma!” And the song echoes through my head “They is my family!”

Day Four… never ending story..

So this new hospital doesn’t invite parents to stay with their children well maybe in the peds ward but no where else, it’s just the difference one of many, between the two hospitals. Maybe it’s just me being precious and a helicopter parent. Either way I’m not needed. And it hurts to be honest. I have always been his first responder, it’s always been “Muuuuuum” the more drawn out the word the more needed l was.

I guess some might argue “Oh he’s seventeen he’s practically an adult” but is he? At the other hospital l would help him with bathroom visits and physio and non medical things, just to give the nursing staff time to spend with more needy patients and they were happy for me to be involved. Here not so much, and yet here, it’s much busier.

Being a Mother.. to me means standing guard being his soft place to fall, catching him before he hits the ground, although last week his girlfriend and her Mum did that job for me, and l am thankful.

I am his Mum, his protector of boogeyman and night monsters and spiders and scary stuff, and l am banished from him and neither of us are enjoying it.

So he’s seventeen, but, when he’s told that he has to go for an Echocardiogram to check is the infection has reached his heart, well, he panics and all he hears is “blah blah blah heart, oh I’m dying” so when l come back into the room and he starts telling me this and then breaks down and asks me “Am l going to die?” Well that just breaks my heart!

And I’m his protector so l wrap him in a hug and tell him of course he is not, they are being cautious, and all the time my heart is breaking for my Star Son, who one day hurt his knee playing his favourite sport and suddenly two weeks later he’s attached to drips and thinking he going to die.

I want to hurt someone. Tell me this crap and let me break this scary big news in a more careful loving way.

I want to hurt someone because they have terrified my son.

I want to hurt someone because l spent the rest of the afternoon mopping up tears and reminding him to deep breathe.

I want to hurt some one because my big tough husband has cried more in the last two days than in 15 years of marriage.

I want to hurt someone because he is there all alone thinking he’s dying and l am here at home crying.

I really want to hurt someone.

Mind dump…

It’s 3:08am. I’m wide awake… why?

His drip had an air bubble and alarms went off every which way, lights flashing, Nurse Fiona came in quietly creeping but she needed light and a syringe to remove the offending bubble and so all lights went on and though she was fast and efficient and it was all dealt with so quickly, my mind has switched on and l am wide awake.

He sleeps blissfully it’s been a rough few weeks, two weeks ago exactly we were here, he had a knee reconstruction, playing football it’s been his dream since he was 3 yrs old and got his first football and declared “I’m going to play for the Tigers!”

He started Auskick at 5 yrs old and joined his first team at 8 or 9. I had previously believed l had skipped the “Sports Mum” title but l thought too soon. Then it was all about football training in the cold winter evenings and Sunday’s we worship at the Church of Football, all day Sunday is about Football and he’s breezed through it all.. well almost… until this year.

First game of season 2019, twenty minutes into the first quarter, l sat there dutifully doing the good Mother thing, I am NOT that cheering Mother, l’m not allowed to cheer, he hates hearing me cheer from the side lines, l am NOT that Mother that yells at the umpire for a crappy decision, because that’s the Umpires job and they train hard to do that, l am also NOT that Mother who coaches from the side lines because that’s what his coach is for, and besides, l don’t even like Football, l don’t understand it l don’t know who plays on what position, l know very few of the players, l honestly don’t care but HE does and so, therefore, l go each week, to see my Star Son, l cheer when he’s not looking l sing his theme song under my breath and l love that he is so committed and happy to play.

So back to round one, it’s Autumn in Australia, the days are getting shorter and the weather is temperamental but that day was lovely and sunny, l was not feeling very well, so l took my book and read and cat napped in the car for the hour and a half before his game, while they do their strategies and warm ups or whatever it is they do.

My husband is team manager this year so he’s off doing his pre game official stuff, it’s a good way to get an hours reading or letters written uninteruppted time.

Then the previous game finished and Star Son and his team took to the field. So l set up the picnic blanket on the ground in front of our car and took my book and watched the game… not knowing then it would be his last for the year!

The team is a mix of last season’s players and a whole bunch of new guys so pre season has been about them all learning to come together and be a team, bonding sessions, hard training sessions since about February, including a beach training session, and Star Son to help improve his own fitness joined the local gym and attended at least twice weekly.

So what happened next was not part of the plan and frankly not even a blip on any of our radars. Aussie Rules football AFL to those who are from overseas, is a rough game, he’s had a concussion before and once he got carried off the field on a stretcher! (And gosh did l get into trouble for not taking photos for Facebook!) And though l hate to see him hurt in any capacity I’ve learnt to bite my tongue and not complain, (He never sees the tears l cry) because it’s all part of the game, the game he loves, the game he eats, sleeps and breathes for.

His Grandmother once said to him “Whatever they pay you to play, l will pay you NOT to play” and we laughed at her, but, now l am on team Tanny, l don’t want him to play not after that day.

Fifteen minutes into the first quarter, the other team are big solid lads, l guess ours had speed and Star Son was playing down my end of the field so l had a good view, we were already showing domination on the score board. And then BANG he’s down, slow motion, the other guy hip and shouldered him, he went up in the air and he crashed down, l swear l felt the thud as he landed, and l just stared, silently willing him, “Come on get up! Come on!” He tried, he rolled this way, he rolled the other, but he was struggling and my heart skipped a beat, then his hand went up which means “Send help” the First Aide girl went running and spoke to him, felt his leg and then put her hand up calling for help, although l know he would have hated it l so wanted to run out to him on to that field.

The trainer and first aide got him up and carried him off the field, passed me at the boundary and l caught his eye, tear filled, and mouthed “ankle or knee?” He said “Knee l think” and there began our nightmare.

He was taken to the coaches box and inspected, but just prior to that another player had come off the field, his arm, we found out later was broken so he was sent off in an ambulance!

But Star Son sat there with an Ice pack, only staff are allowed in the coaches box so l forced myself to stay sitting where l was “Don’t panic! There’s no blood, he’s upright just wait. Don’t panic” so l prayed, to outsiders it might have looked like l was reading my book but behind my sunglasses my eyes were closed and l cried out to Jehovah to send an angel to watch over him.

And then l found my husband because as team manager he IS allowed in the coaches box!! He quickly returned and said “Oh he’s strained his knee he’ll just sit out the rest of this quarter” (Ha! Yeah right!!) At Half time my husband called me over and said “Sit with him in the coaches box while the team go into the rooms” so l sat and l asked him “How are you really?” And he said “Mum the pain is unbareable” my heart cracked. Because l want to fix him but I’m not allowed.

He sat there for the rest of the game, with an ice pack, his knee was massively swollen and l still don’t understand why he wasn’t sent to see someone, but apparently we had to wait for the swelling to go down. Getting him into the car to go home was fun… NOT! He’s six foot tall and folding his lanky body into the Volkswagen coupe was not easy!

At home, in my domain, l became Nurse, pain killers, ice pack, showers, comfort foods, still not understanding why we were not seeing a hospital. I was told his coach ( also a physiotherapist) would assess him the next night, see if the swelling had subsided.

Monday- No school, he can’t walk, can’t put any weight on it at all, he’s using a walking stick to hobble around. Training that night, Coach says “Let’s see a Dr to get a second opinion” finally.

Dad hired a set of crutches.

Tuesday- No school, he’s in a huge amount of pain, he’s also doing year 12 and cannot miss more than a set amount of hours or he may fail. So we reach out to the school and tell them what’s happening asking them to send him home work so he doesn’t fall behind. He sees his own Doctor who consults with Coach and they agree it’s not improving send him for an MRI.

Wednesday- 6:45am in the car headed to another suburb for an 8:15am appointment for an MRI, we are given a disc with images and we deliver it straight to Coach, who rings my Husband and says “It’s not looking good” l didn’t get shown the photos or take part in any of these discussions, maybe they’re too advanced for my simple mind.

Thursday- We have a 6:30pm appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon who delivers the bad news..

He has done his ACL, MCL and torn his meniscus. He won’t play again for at least 12 months (in my mind all l heard was “He won’t play again” and suddenly his Grandma won!) So he was prescribed pain relief and anti inflammatory told to keep using the crutches and booked in for Surgery on Wednesday May 1st.

He’s been off school since some of that was school holidays and Some he’s done sheet work to keep up.

Wednesday 1st May. We need to be at the Epworth in Richmond at 7.00am we leave home at 5:30, arrive on time, check in everything goes smoothly, he’s in good spirits, he’s looking forward to jelly in recovery, Dad pays the bills and takes in the technical jargon and l, well l take deep breaths and keep it all together when inside l’m not coping so well. But it’s about him not me so deep breathe don’t let anyone see your hands shaking.

I get to go up to pre surgery and see the orthopaedic surgeon, his team of helpers all come and introduce themselves l will never remember their names or their jobs l smile, l nod and l freak out when they have to wheel him away, but l smile and say “see you when you wake up l love you” and then l have to find my way through the maze of tunnels and get back to his ward. Dad and l eat a vanilla slice at the Cafe and drink coffee and wait for the call to say it’s all over.

Just after 11.00am the call comes he’s good in recovery he’ll be back soon. I thank Jehovah for answering my prayers.

Then a call from recovery “Do you want to come sit with him?” So we quickly go there to see our Star Son, my husband goes first, spends a few minutes to reassure himself he’s all good and then he’s heading into work to get some stuff done. I’m staying, no where else l could even think of being right now.

I spend half an hour in recovery with him, zonked out of his mind, we laugh about how one minute he’s going surfing with the male nurse and then suddenly he says “My leg!! They’ve cut off my leg!” I quickly reassured him they had not and then in his next breath he’s off to play tennis.. “With only one leg?” I asked, he sighed and said “Oh yeah they cut off my leg!” I showed him his leg was still there and then he made a cute little video telling his girl friend how much he loved her.

Back on his ward he dozed, he ate chicken nuggets and chips, we watched Netflix and l helped him to and from the bathroom, and l watched him sleep fitfully and cry out occasionally in pain, and l wished l could take it all away. His blood pressure was high, his heart rate was fast it was scary.

We made it through the first night, my big tough Star Son who towers over me, woke during the night and l sleepily asked him “What do you need I’ll get it” he replied “Just making sure you’re here” l said “I wouldn’t be any where else”

Thursday- early morning starts surgeon came by at 6:30am to do rounds and we were given all clear to go home. Had a physio visit and an x-Ray and a pharmacy visit And by 11:00am we gently busted him out of the hospital.

Back home we began a new daily routine, medication and physio. Everything was going lovely and smoothly until Sunday! Bloody Mothers day.

It started well, he walked without his crutches and we all cheered it was time he started weight baring. He has a 2 week check up Wednesday with his own Doctor, everything was going smoother than l imagined… l jinxed us!

Sunday evening he said he didn’t feel so good and he wasn’t hungry plus he was sore, we though he might have over done the weight baring bit so helped him into bed. Then he vomited, and then the fever started and l thought maybe it was like gastro, so l tried to keep his fluids up and entice him to eat.

Tuesday- He slept most of the day his girlfriend came to visit after school and he went out to say Happy Mother’s Day to her mum he’d brought her chocolates and then suddenly Bree ran in and said “Quick Kim, he’s passed out” running outside he’s laying in the drive way, luckily Bree had caught him so he didn’t hit his head. He was white as a ghost, even his freckles had disappeared. I don’t know how l manage to keep so calm but we got him up and inside and then my mind is racing. I made phone calls to my husband to Star Sons Doctor l couldn’t get him in, so l rang my doctor and got him in, my daughter drive us down and my husband met us there.

He had a raging temperature 39.2 she said he was dehydrated and the fever probably made him pass out. She gave him antibiotics and anti nausea medication and told us to give him hydrolyte but the worst Thing was the pain in his knee it was hot and angry. She didn’t suspect his knee was infected thinking like us it was gastro. He hardly slept all night l alternated between ice packs and pain relief. He had his two week check up the next morning.

Wednesday 15th May. Two weeks post op. Antibiotics and antinausea meds, pain relief, hot shower but not too hot and forced him to eat some cereal, time for his 10:30am DR appointment, my husband changed his mind, did he suspect?! And decided to stay home and attend the appointment, his Dr listened to yesterday’s tale and took a look at his knee and said “Go straight back to the hospital!” He wrote us a referral and then we were in the car rushing madly back to Richmond.

By 12.00pm he was in a bed in Emergency and by 1:15pm the surgeon was here draining fluid from the knee by 2:20pm he was taken down to pre op and l’m in a daze! Filling in forms answering questions starting to be concerned about his BP, his racing heart beat his collapsing viens, he was dehydrated, connected to a drip, whiter almost than the sheets.

So, his knee joint got infected inside, it was nothing l did wrong, he went into surgery and had keyhole surgery and they flushed the infection out with 10 litres of sterile water. He’s attached to a drip feeding him strong antibiotics. From 10:30am till surgery at 3:20pm everything moved like a whirl wind, my husband went home to get some things for us and suddenly l was alone, l brought donuts and sat and cried, because sometimes it just has to happen. I can be strong for everyone most of the time.

So at 3.08 am when l started writing this l laid here in the glow of all the machines while he sleeps and listen to him breathe and think about this star Son who means the world to me, and l know l’m going to be really tired later, Nurse Fiona is worrying and wants to make me drinks because l am not sleeping, but like l always say l can sleep when l’m dead for now l’m right where he needs me to be. Its 5:29am probably not worth sleeping now.

Almost time for the end of year review.

I don’t know about y’all but I feel like this year has just flown by. Is it that as we age time slips away or we’re just so busy existing it flits by.

This year I have pretty much done nothing but art! It was my goal for this year to immerse myself into art and it’s paid off when one of the art teachers I am doing a course with commented that she has seen a real growth in my work this year, YAY! I wasn’t imagining it. I am loving that I set myself this goal, my husband brought me a year long art course and I have been working through that, not finished yet, BUT I am have also been signing up for any free class that I could, just to experience new teachers and new types of art, new styles, new supplies, new to me anyways! Some of them have produced really nice pieces and some well, they were free so it didn’t matter! I brought myself a class with an Australian teacher and loved her work. I’m currently working in my third sketchbook for the year and I’ve won a few competitions one to a year long art class with Tiare Smith and then I won a free art print from one of the teachers in my Lets Face it Class, his name is Robert Kelley look him up he’s beautiful.. oh and super talented! Hey come on! I’m an artist (I never say that aloud!) I can appreciate great beauty when I see it!

Another goal I had for myself for this year was to read 40 books… sadly I am not going to be able to reach that target this time, I think my latest look on Good Reads told me I need to read three books a week to reach my goal, sorry I cannot do that! I think I’m currently on book 35, so close but not quite!

My health progress has been up and down, weight lost, weight regained and inches lost. Started a 7 minute a day exercise program with a You Tuber called Lucy Wyndham Jones and wow! So easy but really effective, then I started work and stopped exercising and never got back into it… it’s all coming together in 2019!

This year I had a new Grandson Rafiki in July and another one due any day! So the family has grown, throw in a new boy friend and a new girl friend for children, Christmas this year is huge! All up 16 of us! Eeeekk! Where will I fit ’em all?!

Anyways I’ll be back next week to share with you this years wrap up and goals for 2019. I have decided my word for 2019 is YES! Its a small word but it’s powerful and I am quietly nervous about what it might bring!

How has your 2018 been? Did you achieve goals set for yourself? Do you make resolutions? Do you stress out about not completing them? Lets chat!!