Another busy week.

This week its been full on!

Monday was a public holiday for the Queens Birthday weekend, so my husband took me camping, we felt like Star Son was able to hold his own with the help of his brother and sisters. I had had a rotten headache for three weeks, l kept waiting for the next “symptom” so l could go to the Dr. More symptoms never came. So l spent the long weekend camping on the banks of the Murray River but feeling like a zombie.

On the Tuesday Star Son had his first visit to the ID (infectious diseases) clinic back at the Austin Hospital. So we had arranged for me to get my blood test first and then off to the hospital l had woken up feeling good, so l was convinced his Blood count would be low and they might remove his PICC line. We got there ahead of time and still sat and waited. Eventually we got in to see the Dr who we had seen the first night of his admission. He brought us smack back down to earth telling us, “We’ll keep the PICC line in for two more weeks” which will take us up to the maximum of six weeks. Because he is young and they don’t want a chance of re-occurrinance, they’ll go for the maximum time and still he’ll be on oral meds for a few weeks after that. He was less than impressed but l tried to explain to him why it was happening and wishing l could teach him some patience.

Back at home we had an appointment with the school to see where Star Son stood in regards to finishing year 12. He’s been adamant he didn’t want to go back and for his mental health l was siding with him, but his Dad was not convinced, until his Year 12 Co-coordinator said “He’s missed too much, he won’t catch up!” So it’s official his schooling is done. Part of me was relieved, everything in him was relieved! Dad was disappointed. But also because there is no “end date” for his illness, he Is not a good risk to let back into the school even without his PICC line. I feel a little bit sad that he won’t have the Year 12 Graduation or the formal things that us parents like, but he will still attend with his Girlfriend.

Then l had a day off on Wednesday, as much as my aching head would allow.

Thursday l had a 9.30am appointment to get the blood test results of gout blood tests l had taken Tuesday. But l let everything come pouring out, every little ache, every little pain, even a few tears escaped, l just want this headache to go away!! He asked about my appetite which has been on some days non existent. Other days l force myself to eat but it tastes like cardboard. He expected that answer. So then he wanted to know about the pain, where it was what other symptoms, yes l get dizzy, yes l feel light headed but my arms and legs feel like concrete. So he says “You’re off for a CT scan! So we can rule out anything sinister.”

Back home the male Nurse, our favourite, R arrived and l asked him about it showed him my referral letter and asked him

“Will it hurt?”

“Oh No!!” He said “it’ll be all over before you know it!”

So l booked it in and took myself down there.

My husband is in some kind of denial that there is even anything wrong with me, l guess I’m not looking sick enough but I’ve been telling him for weeks “I don’t feel right it’s not normal, l feel weird!” He kept saying “Oh you’ll be fine!” He didn’t come home to attend my CT scan, l did it myself. I closed my eyes and took deep calming breaths and before l knew it.. it was all over.

So now we are waiting again, it takes two days to get the results so it’ll be next week now.

Today l spent the morning with my cousin she was doing some work at home, so she handed me the remote and said “You choose a movie!” I found one with Sarah Jessica Parker and Renee Zelweigger, about a singer, so l chose that, about two minutes into the movie SJP is meeting with her Dr and finding out she has a brain tumor!! I looked at my cousin and said “Well that’s serendipity and a good choice!” It was a crap movie though!!

Waiting, waiting, l wonder where l get my patience from!!

One week home..

Today was a week since Star Son got out of hospital. A busy week of catching up with his family, nieces, nephews, sisters, brother and brother-in-law. Lots of noise and movement, very different from the hospital environment.

It’s also been a week of waiting, each day we get a phone call from a nursing agency to tell us “The nurse will be visiting between 10 and 1pm” that was the biggest window sometimes it’s just an hour window, it’s ok though, we have no where else better to be except yesterday… we’ll come back to that.

Each day a nurse arrives, the first one was here the longest, l felt sorry for her, she got a bit panicky about the pump “It’s a new model l don’t know how this works, l need to read instructions.” So we waited in silence and let her read. Then she didn’t know how to open the pump, we found her a key, and then she couldn’t get the drip feed to start, l didn’t want to rush her or Interfere, so l quietly mentioned l had the Hospital in Home direct number saved in my phone if she needed guidance. They talked her through it and an hour and a half later she left.

Star Son was angry, angry he had to wear the stupid pump, angry that she took so long, he was hating on life, l calmed him down gave him an icy pole and sent him back to bed.

He’s been eating much better, we sat down as a family complete with a note pad and pen and made a list of every meal we have cooked or wished to cook, separated them into different section, so “chicken” “beef” “pork” “vegetables” “assorted” (things like carbonara and ravioli) and then l asked each individual person “do you like, love or hate it” there are three camps in my house “I hate that NOT eating it!” (Yeah she’s 27!! Her 5 year old daughter’s got more bravery!) And then there’s the camp “Well l don’t love it but I’ll give it a try!” And then there’s Middle Son-24 years old “It doesn’t matter I’ll just eat it!” Bless his cotton socks! So now we have a list of meals l or any of them can cook and beside each meal initials of who WILL eat it… menu planning just got so much easier. Tonight Star Son and his Gal had a date night, they missed there 17 month one while he was in hospital. Madams 27 and 5 were out somewhere so we put aside the “meatloaf” idea because everyone loves Mumma’s meatloaf and Son in law had never had meatloaf till he met my eldest girl. And we asked the only child home “do you want a steak sandwich?” He’s a carnivore of course he did!! Star Son is home in his environment with his familiar foods and drinks he’s starting to look good.

Saturday nurse S on her second visit to us removed his stitches and we got to have a good look at his knee. It looks good!

Two little stitches gone!

Also on Saturday we had my cousin’s Surprise 50th birthday party. I had warned her daughter if he was not home l would not attend, so it was kind of a relief to be able to attend, there were plenty of sitting spaces for him. And best of all only one child and daughter in law and beautiful Grandbaby was missing, we like to party together!

Me, Eldest girl, Middle Son and Madam 27.

Added in Star Son and the always smiling Breeza.

Cheeky monkeys.

My grade 4 school teacher was a special guest of honor he took one look at Madam 27 and said “Oh you MUST be Kim’s daughter!” Everyone says we look alike.

Also present was my bestie.

30 plus years of friendship love her to bits!! Saturday was a good day.

Sunday the nurse took blood from his PICC line, still keeping an eye on his Blood levels. He went to see his football team play, he came home miserable, so we chatted and l asked “Was it hard watching them play without you?”

He said ” No Mum it was cold and boring” Exactly my thoughts most weeks.

Monday l had a date day with my cousin she’s off on long service leave so we planned to go to the movies for her birthday, but the Surgeon wanted a blood sample take early in the morning before his appointment today. Times like this l wished that window of “The nurse will visit…” was a bit longer.

We had to get Miss 5 to school then get Star Son in the car and down to the Clinic, through all the peak hour traffic, it’s just a walk in and sit and wait appointment but we had to be home by 10am and my Cousin and l had to be at the cinema by 10am as well. We just scraped it in.

Star Son was nervous about the blood test because those nurses are not allowed to touch his PICC line so they had to do it the regular way and after his veins collapsing on the 16th May, he was worried it would happen again. Thankfully the Nurse was in and the tube half full before he realised but the look of relief on his face was immense. We got back in the car and just turning into our street when my cousin drives up from the other direction, so it was literally, jump out of Madam 27’s car, help him into the house, torrential rain making his crutches a slipping hazard and then jumping into her car and going, and wouldn’t you know it.. that one day the nurse was there closer to ten than eleven! We made it though. And as selfish as this next bit is going to sound.. it was just so nice to sit and enjoy a movie and a laugh with my cousin! Not worry about pills schedules or nurses coming, or drip pumps beeping.

Today we had our 8 week check up with the Surgeon. I’m always hopeful for good news but the “good blood nurse” warned us the results might not be back. They were AND not only that THEY WERE GOOD!!!! His blood count is down to 45!! When we left hospital they were 70 and they told us anything under 100. So to hear they have halved again, l wanted to do a happy dance and hug and kiss him. Oh and have l told you how cute his Surgeon is?? McDreamy!

So now after all our happy news we are waiting again.. next Tuesday we have an appointment with the ID (Infectious diseases) Clinic, and we are praying they will be suitably impressed and remove the PICC line, he’ll then go on oral antibiotics, which will mean two daily pills and no nurses!! We are feeling hopeful for that, also he has been asked to take away one of the crutches and start using his knee to weight bare more. Its all looking really positive.

And that’s where l love you and leave you for this post.. my pillow calls and lm learning to listen to it.

Lucky 13!

This morning l woke up feeling less than good, much different than yesterday’s waking up… But l took a deep breath and got myself ready and we headed in a little early to be sure we saw the Drs!

Star Son was nervous and less than chatty. Today the team came minus the Big Boss Dr and his second in charge. So another Dr spoke up and told us they had conferred with the Surgeon and he was happy for Star Son to go home!!

13 days, and we were being set free!

They spoke briefly about physio and did we have one? Yes! His football coach was my Physio first! So plans were made to visit him (Dad had already organised that last week 🙄)

Next we discussed Hospital in the Home nurses, ✔ we had met her the day before they were waiting for their say so.

Next they discussed visiting with the Surgeon for a follow up, again ✔ we have an appointment on 4th June.

So we all congratulated each other and they left and l packed his clothes!

So then the rush began, first the Pharmacy visited, discussed what he was taking and what he could stop taking. She returned a half hour later with a brown paper bag and Star Son and l “high fived” each other, another step closer!

Then came our lady from Hospital in the Home, we briefly went over the paper work from yesterday, she showed us how to turn on the pump, and she went away to assemble that while his dressing was replaced.

Next our male nurse Ran came to replace the plastic skin that covered the PICC line, and while he did that HIH nurse was back with the pump. She hooked him up with enough antibiotics to last him 24 hours, then a nurse will come and replace it.

Physio came by with a letter to tell our physio what he had been doing in hospital. Ward nurse came by with a letter and a Dr’s certificate.

And then we looked at each other and asked “Is that all?”

We had boxes of supplies to take home for the nurse to use, his Bags and my bag.

All in all it was 10.36am by the time we walked out of the front door.

All week, last week he wanted KFC, so we stopped on the way home and got his junk food fix.

Then once at home we let him settle in, while l set up the dining room table as the Nurses station.

Now it’s almost bedtime and l think l will sleep well, simply because he’s back where he belongs and l don’t have to do the early morning runs.

Day 13 was a lucky one for us!

Day 12… A glimmer of hope.

“Hope is an olive leaf, to remind the dreamer, the dream is worth dreaming” Max Lucado

From his book “John 3:16”

Today l woke up happier than l have for ages. On Saturday l finally hit the bottom, funny thing is, the thing that broke me was nothing to do with my Star Son and his dramas, but it was enough to break through my wall of protection. It was totally unrelated and quite an old (5 years ago) happening but l was weak and l broke.

I also deleted Facebook. I decided that l couldn’t deal with the dramas anymore, so l shut that down and have been enjoying the silence.

But l also spent most of Saturday sneakily wiping away tears, walking through Bunnings, my eyes leaked, doing the grocery shopping, my eyes leaked, l had a serious “woe is me” few hours but it was alright because Bree was with Star Son so he never knew. I guess l can only go so long being strong for everyone else before l break.

Sunday l didn’t even know if l could do see him, l felt so awful like l was getting sick, so The Bloke let me sleep in and fed me Orange juice and panadol, and l pulled up my Big Girl Panties and off l went again.

We came home early Sunday my husband cooked steak, eggs and salad he decided l needed real food not over priced fried food from a Bain Marie. I had a shower and orange juice and panadol and went to bed, praying to Jehovah “Please let tomorrow be his day” l always find that when l give it to God l sleep better. So this morning l woke up with a new pep in my step and l felt more positive.

My friend James told me that Jehovah hears the whispers in our hearts that our words cannot say. Or something similar to that, bottom line is he told me “Don’t shut Jehovah out”

The sky was pink and orange this morning l took photos on the way to the hospital, who besides Jehovah would think to put those colours together, and who are we, mere mortals to argue, we only stare in awe at their beauty. We left a bit later because l made myself a green smoothie, l felt like my body needs better than l’m giving it.

We got there in time for the Doctors to do their morning rounds. They all come en-mass maybe ten of them, physio, infectious diseases, head of ortho, he never speaks he just stands and listens. This morning l said “Good Morning everyone” most of them responded not him. I’ve seen some of these Drs daily l feel like we’re friends.

He nodded. But today WAS different because last week my husband got fed up with the “Baby Drs” telling us one thing then coming back and changing things, he got loud and though he was calm he got his point across, “You tell him one thing, get his hopes up, then smash him down, we need someone to tell us straight and keep communication lines open”

So today the Boss Dr spoke. He said that there was still some fluid on his knee and depending on his blood results and his Echocardiogram on his heart they might decide to do a fourth surgery.

His smile faded, my husband’s colour faded and my heart dropped. Apart from the fact that Star Son looks great and is using his knee, his PCP (blood counts?) Were not coming down, they were up as high as 250, then got to 148 and plateaued and on Friday they spiked. So on Friday the Dr took all hope of release away from him. They kept him all weekend they were anticipating him spiking a fever and regressing.

So today Boss Dr says, “Let’s see what the Bloods tell us and the echo and then we’ll talk to the Surgeon for the final say.” And then they turned to go, l said “I have a question”

He looked at me ” What if the Echo is NOT good” he said

“We will discuss that then if we need to” and he was gone.

The lovely Baby Dr from Infectious Diseases whispered “I’ll organise the blood tests and echo early” and she scurried away.

So husband went to work and we sat defeated waiting for anything to happen. The ward nurse came back and said he was going down at 9.30am for his echo. YAY! Finally things were happening. So we sat and we waited and we waited and then it was 11.15am while we waited.

Got a phone call from Son number one, got him caught up on the latest news and then finally l asked a nurse “What happened to our 9.30am Echo?”

He said “Let me find out” and rushed off. He returned to do the blood test and report “They decided to keep you at the 3:30pm appointment they already gave you” Ok fair enough but Do l take him down to radiology or will some one collect him?

“Oh no!” He says

“A ward clerk will escort him”

So we decided that since we had some hours to kill let’s escape the ward and go look at the canteen and get junk food… yeah so much for that “putting something healthy into my body” although that green smoothie l took was so good. We got hot chips and bottles of coke and went back to watch Dr Phil. Why not we’re paying for the TV.

The Hospital in the Home Nurse came to meet us, her paper work said he was going home today and she had organised a nurse to visit us tomorrow.. “Yeah about that! Best cancel her!” We filled in the consent forms and waited for half past three,

Then it was 3.45pm and then 4.00pm and finally l went to the nurse in charge and asked her

“Really? What’s going on we’ve been waiting since 9.30am and it’s now 4.15pm for a 3.30pm appointment, should l take him myself?”

She said “I’ll make some calls.”

4.20pm along comes the ward clerk with a wheel chair to take him away. He’s been the most nervous about the echocardiogram because it’s his heart and he thought he was dying. So he came back with a big smile to tell us, (Dad had arrived by then, because the Drs said they’d be back to update us at 5.00pm. )

“the guy doing the “ultrasound thingy” had said “it looks good mate” so he felt at ease and that made us at ease.

And so we waited…and waited and noticed that hospital time is kinda like being on holidays it gets done when it gets done.

Finally, my never patient husband, went to the charge nurse and asked “Where are the Drs?” As he turned around he spotted one and asked him to review Star Sons file and come chat, my husband is slowly taking charge.

And there came our little glimmer of hope!

He said “Mate! Your blood is good it’s dropped by half”

So that takes it down to around 80 and he said he wanted it under 100! Winning! Sadly due to circumstances the Echocardiogram results were not back yet BUT the Dr asked Star Son “when they did your echo what did they say?” Star Son repeated what he had told us and the Dr smiled!

“That’s good BUT we have to have the official written report and we have to wait to speak to the Surgeon, but, from my point of view you’re good to go tomorrow, touch wood!”

We had high fives all round. We all know we shouldn’t get our hopes up, they might smash us back down to the ground tomorrow and we know, honestly we do he’s in the right place and getting the right treatment BUT we want him home…

Home is where his Mum is, (and speanding 11 hours a day in the hospital Mum is missing home too!)

Home is where his heart is,

HOME is where his family are and his girlfriend has open access he needs to come home.

So tonight..

Hope is an olive leaf, proof to the dreamer that a dream is worth dreaming.

My heart feels a little lighter already!!

The Ultimate let down..

So the Ultimate disappointment came today, there is now NO release date on the table, he’s there until. Until his Blood improves, until the anti biotics do their thing, just until..

His blood markers had plateaued and today slightly risen. His health, his knee and most everything else looks good, except his emotional health, but his Blood is misbehaving. He was booked in for an Echocardiogram (didn’t happen) we have always had an appointment for that on Monday. Monday it is.

So basically there is no end in sight, l know l sound like l’m whining. I don’t mean to but it’s so frustrating and heart breaking.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers and love, we ALL appreciate your thoughts for our boy.

To our Elder children Jasmin, Amber and Jay, and my beautiful Grandchildren, thank you for coming to visit l know it’s a long haul, but it so helps him. Kittapillar thank you for your little messages and videos he laughs! Its times like these that the family have pulled together.

Breanna is Star Son’s girlfriend and you continue to be his best medicine and we so appreciate you.

Family are the best medicine.

But l am so angry, I’m not even sure who or what l’m angry at. I can’t blame him for loving a sport and being so dedicated to it. I can’t blame the Dr’s they’ve all been amazing and let’s have a shout out to those most lovely of nurses.. Fiona, Jade and Marrissa at Epworth, and then the lovely Pheobe and Demi and Sam, at Austin, there have been so many beautiful caring women who l knew l could go home and leave him with, because they looked after him amazingly.

Today we asked the Dr, “Was this caused by something we did or didn’t do? Is it because he’s stressed about being here? Is there anything we can do to help the infection numbers come down??”

The answer to all of the questions was NO. And then comes the inevitable question “Why?” Why him? Why can’t you stop it? Why? WHY??

And for once someone gave me an honest answer.. “We don’t know why, We don’t know what to do, we are watching and waiting.”

Star Sons eyes filled with tears, my eyes filled with tears, and he asked “Do you have anymore questions?” I did Not, he just answered mine so l turned to Star Son and asked “Is there anything you don’t understand?” He shook his head and mumbled “Only why l can’t go home”

So the Dr took a deep breath and went through the options, in laymens terms they are expecting, due to the slight raise in the blood numbers that he is going to spike a fever and need to be rushed back to surgery! God l pray they are wrong!!

The Doctor left and we sat in silence for a while, me fighting back tears and him gently fuming, and then he sighed and said “I’m going to spend the rest of my f%$#ing life in here” Yep! my heart cracked a little more.

I explained that although it wasn’t the news we wanted to hear, it was right, if l took him home and he spikes a temp we’d be right back where we were last Tuesday when he passed out in the drive way… gosh was it only last week? It feels like forever!

He’s beyond sad, he’s just angry with the world and with me, and l try to not take it personally, l mean it’s part of the Mothering process to be a safe haven to let him vent his emotions… But l’m also trying to keep mine under control and all l really want to do is lay down beside him and cry.

The man in the bed opposite and across one has been a quadriplegic for 29 years. He turns 50 years old on Wednesday. He has been talking to Star Son about Football and bloke stuff, he’s a lovely guy. Today he got released and he came over to Star Sons bed and apologised and said he felt guilty for going home when it should have been Star Son, we quickly re assured him it’s all good he has a party to attend!

He really made me stop and look at my whinging attitude, he was very sick and in a lot of pain but he always had a nice word to the other three patients in the room and every single person from the tea lady to the cleaners and every nurse, he was always upbeat and happy. I need to take a leaf from A’s book.

I need to but l’m sad, l’m angry and l’m feeling rather numb. Sitting in the hospital for 11 hours a day is wearing.

Maybe I’ll start next week.

Another day, another disappointment…

Day 9.. Another day sitting by his bed.

We were told Sunday we were supposed to go home Monday, so we got here bright and early eager to take him home.

All his canullas were removed, his drainage tube was removed, the dressings were removed, he was untethered for the first time since Wednesday. We felt hopeful.

Physio came and did some knee manipulations and put him on crutches to see how he would be able to move. He’s been using under arm crutches for a few weeks, she changed him arm crutches, he managed those.

She took him next door to the gym and put him at the parallel bars trying to get his knee straighter. The colour drained from his face he groaned “I don’t feel too good” a chair was quickly placed behind him, l ran for some water, we spent ten minutes deep breathing as the colour gradually returned to his face. Back to the room we hobbled, Mum with a wheel chair “Just in case”

We waited patiently, told that the pharmacy would visit and some one from Hospital in Home would visit and interview us to see if we were suitable candidates for them to visit, and we waited for the 1.00pm appointment for the picc line to be put in.

He was nervous about that they explained again how it would happen and then slid him onto the bed to take him away. I had an hour to waste. I made his bed, cleared his bedside table and read my book, how long 60 minutes feels!

Finally he was back, the PICC line inserted merely a bump in his arm and the relief of that drama clearly showed on his face, so we sat and we waited, for the HIH and for Dracula to take more bloods and for the pharmacist.. and we waited, and waited some more.

Finally the lovely nurse Demi said “it’s 4:45pm everyone goes home at 5:00pm it’s not looking good.” The sparkle left his eye and the smile left his face, and l struggled to hide the tears. Tomorrow you’ll go home we said!

Tuesday we were here bright and early before 7:30am because that’s when Drs do their rounds.

We thought we were going home. They said they wanted to check his bloods again and if that was trending down he could go home.

And so we waited.. and waited and then at 4:45pm we were told “Probably not today, but the big Drs will be in tomorrow” so more disappointment, we wait.

Wednesday we didn’t dare get our hopes up and he wasn’t in a good frame of mind either. The Big Drs did their ward rounds at 10:30am, a whole bunch of them, who decided that they would like him to do some MORE IV antibiotics his spirits went down and so did ours. The Dr wanted to confer with the Surgeon about what the next move should be.

But no one conferred with us.

So Dad, at work, rang us to see what was going on, we gave him the same reply “Nothing new to report” l feel like a recording.

He hung up and rang the Ward Sister who told him and then reluctantly told us “The Dr is waiting for the Surgeon to get back to him, so for now you’re still here” another day waiting in hope and gets to 3.00pm and crashes down.

Thursday, we get up this morning, we’re tired and we’re sad imagine how much worse he feels. We wanted to be here for Dr’s rounds back to 7.30am today.

Doctors rounds they’re fast, they breeze in do a quick history and give thumbs up and move on. But today we had questions! Why? How long?

Bottom line is Surgeon wants to see Star Son and see for himself how the knee is bending and to tell us the blood count has plateaued, the surgeon will decide what to do about that.

So we wait.. and we wait… and we play cards and watch television and we wait.. it’s day 9… and we wonder “When will he go home?”

It’s like a night mare..

So today dawned at 3.00am l never did go back to sleep. Its now 10.06pm and the nurse kicked me out and told us not to come back till 8.00am.

We had breakfast together and since Star Son was up for a bathroom break, Nurse Jade and l hatched a plan to get him showered and dressed to go.

We were waiting for confirmation that he had a bed at the Austin, confirmation came through at about 10am and so we had to wait for the Ambulance that would chauffeur us there, due to his drainage tube and his IV port he couldn’t go in our car. Around 11:00am he said his throat was sore and started shivering, sure enough his fever was back and an IV drip was run. So we kicked back and watched Netflix while we waited for 1.00pm.

Just before the Ambulance arrived there was a knock on the door and there stood a lady with a huge dog, Aurora was a therapy dog, part Alaskan Malamute and part Siberian Husky. She came in for a chat and a cuddle and then came the Ambulance people. Star Son was locked and loaded, l went in the front, Dad followed in our car.

We got to the Austin in a nice comfy manner and were taken up to the Surgery and Endoscopy Clinic, the only place that had a bed. Star Son was a little shell shocked l think, and he started to shake and before we knew it he was in the midst of a full blown panic attack, he just wanted to go home and he also broke my heart when he cried “Mum! Please just get me outta here I want to go home” l explained again, about the drip and the need for the supervision.

As the nurse came in to do his hourly OBs she found all three of us a blubbering mess. He was shaking so hard the heart monitor would not stay on his finger. And Yes! His fever was back, she moved fast, soon a Dr was there drawing blood, Star Son was swallowing pills left and right and a drip was inserted.

He was on “Nil by Mouth” until we spoke to the Surgeon to confirm what the next step was and that didn’t happen till almost 8:00pm. We also spoke to the Infectious Diseases Dept who explained that Golden Staf was found inside the wound but also growing in his Blood, so not one but two antibiotics were being pumped into him to fight the infection.

The Surgeon has booked him in for another surgery tomorrow afternoon 48 hours after the last, to clean it all out again, but he also warned us it could take two or more weeks to clear this up. There was also talk of an Echocardiogram to make sure no infection has gotten to his heart.

This is not fun anymore, this is no longer an adventure, this is like a never ending nightmare.

The ward sister has banished me home, to bed, as if l will sleep and yet l look like death warmed up. I’ve not eaten since breakfast, we got KFC and l forced myself to chew and swallow but it all tastes like cardboard.

My shower was lovely, and l packed Star Son a bag to take into him tomorrow but it’s not the same with out him home. My pillow calls but for how long will l lay here tossing and turning and worrying about him. I know he’s safe, l know he’s well cared for and l know there will be eyes on him hourly, but it’s not me caring for him, and they’re not my eyes watching out for him and that’s the sad truth.

This is my worst night mare.