Tag Archive | SAD depressed

The Ultimate let down..

So the Ultimate disappointment came today, there is now NO release date on the table, he’s there until. Until his Blood improves, until the anti biotics do their thing, just until..

His blood markers had plateaued and today slightly risen. His health, his knee and most everything else looks good, except his emotional health, but his Blood is misbehaving. He was booked in for an Echocardiogram (didn’t happen) we have always had an appointment for that on Monday. Monday it is.

So basically there is no end in sight, l know l sound like l’m whining. I don’t mean to but it’s so frustrating and heart breaking.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers and love, we ALL appreciate your thoughts for our boy.

To our Elder children Jasmin, Amber and Jay, and my beautiful Grandchildren, thank you for coming to visit l know it’s a long haul, but it so helps him. Kittapillar thank you for your little messages and videos he laughs! Its times like these that the family have pulled together.

Breanna is Star Son’s girlfriend and you continue to be his best medicine and we so appreciate you.

Family are the best medicine.

But l am so angry, I’m not even sure who or what l’m angry at. I can’t blame him for loving a sport and being so dedicated to it. I can’t blame the Dr’s they’ve all been amazing and let’s have a shout out to those most lovely of nurses.. Fiona, Jade and Marrissa at Epworth, and then the lovely Pheobe and Demi and Sam, at Austin, there have been so many beautiful caring women who l knew l could go home and leave him with, because they looked after him amazingly.

Today we asked the Dr, “Was this caused by something we did or didn’t do? Is it because he’s stressed about being here? Is there anything we can do to help the infection numbers come down??”

The answer to all of the questions was NO. And then comes the inevitable question “Why?” Why him? Why can’t you stop it? Why? WHY??

And for once someone gave me an honest answer.. “We don’t know why, We don’t know what to do, we are watching and waiting.”

Star Sons eyes filled with tears, my eyes filled with tears, and he asked “Do you have anymore questions?” I did Not, he just answered mine so l turned to Star Son and asked “Is there anything you don’t understand?” He shook his head and mumbled “Only why l can’t go home”

So the Dr took a deep breath and went through the options, in laymens terms they are expecting, due to the slight raise in the blood numbers that he is going to spike a fever and need to be rushed back to surgery! God l pray they are wrong!!

The Doctor left and we sat in silence for a while, me fighting back tears and him gently fuming, and then he sighed and said “I’m going to spend the rest of my f%$#ing life in here” Yep! my heart cracked a little more.

I explained that although it wasn’t the news we wanted to hear, it was right, if l took him home and he spikes a temp we’d be right back where we were last Tuesday when he passed out in the drive way… gosh was it only last week? It feels like forever!

He’s beyond sad, he’s just angry with the world and with me, and l try to not take it personally, l mean it’s part of the Mothering process to be a safe haven to let him vent his emotions… But l’m also trying to keep mine under control and all l really want to do is lay down beside him and cry.

The man in the bed opposite and across one has been a quadriplegic for 29 years. He turns 50 years old on Wednesday. He has been talking to Star Son about Football and bloke stuff, he’s a lovely guy. Today he got released and he came over to Star Sons bed and apologised and said he felt guilty for going home when it should have been Star Son, we quickly re assured him it’s all good he has a party to attend!

He really made me stop and look at my whinging attitude, he was very sick and in a lot of pain but he always had a nice word to the other three patients in the room and every single person from the tea lady to the cleaners and every nurse, he was always upbeat and happy. I need to take a leaf from A’s book.

I need to but l’m sad, l’m angry and l’m feeling rather numb. Sitting in the hospital for 11 hours a day is wearing.

Maybe I’ll start next week.

I’m in a funk…

I have made a visit to Dr Google and I am SAD….

  1. People with SAD have many of the normal warning signs of depression, including:
    • Less energy.
    • Trouble concentrating.
    • Fatigue.
    • Greater appetite.
    • Increased desire to be alone.
    • Greater need for sleep.
    • Weight gain.

    Seasonal Depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

    I am like a slug I get up get the Star son off to school and then I am tired! I force myself to do the house work and most days except today I have an afternoon nap…

    “Concentrating”… What’s that? A cookie..oh look there’s a dirty mark on the floor, I need to wash the floor.. put on a load of washing, clean up the bathroom, wash the hall way walls… my stomach is growling I’m hungry, Oh look, here’s a cookie!! Concentration? what is that?
    “Greater Appetite” and “weight gain” should be linked together… I’ve stacked on 5 kilograms this winter… don’t be alarmed I will start the Green Smoothie routine on Monday and see it start falling off, my daughter is to blame she buys bloody donuts and McDonald’s! She thinks she is sharing but she is trying to kill me I’m sure of it..
    “Increased desire to be alone” nothing new there! I am most happiest when I am alone.
    “greater need for sleep” escaping into sleep? sleep brings dreams.. warm sunshine, tropical islands.. you know what I mean!

    Let’s see what Dr Google says is treatment?

    How Is SAD Diagnosed?

    If you’ve been feeling depressed and have some of the above symptoms, see your doctor for an assessment. He or she will recommend the right form of treatment for you.

    Dr Google says… How Is Seasonal Depression Treated?

    There are different treatments, depending on the severity of your symptoms. Also, if you have another type of depression or bipolardisorder, the treatment may be different.

    Many doctors recommend that people with SAD get outside early in the morning to get more natural light. If this is impossible because of the dark winter months, antidepressantmedications or light therapy (phototherapy) may help.

    So that translates to me.. ignore it, carry more tissues for the sudden tears that fall and  keep busy! Yesterday I had no babies, Amber and Sweetpea are still away about 3 hours drive from home, and Jasmin had yesterday off so Squishy was with her.. So I spent the morning viciously attacking the house, it was screaming in pain! floors swept, and scrubbed, Backdeck cleaned and parts of it scrubbed, walls washed, dinner prepared and all this done with very loud music in the background. I “thought” I might do some art perfect opportunity but I couldn’t be bothered after all that! So I had a cat nap and then Star Son was nudging me by 9.00 pm to “Stay awake Mum” Today I had Squishy until about 10.30 am, so I did all the usual morning things and then more sweeping and cleaning, today I did the en suite, and scrubbing the toilet and getting rid of spider webs on vaulted ceilings and scrubbing stuff. But don’t feel bad, because at the same time I had two half projects for art based stuff on the go, waiting for layers of paint and or glue to dry. I’ve been flat-out. So.. Yesterday when we got up in the morning this is what we found…

    IMG_2301

    And people wonder why I have “SAD”??

    its bloody cold people.. in Geelong I heard on the radio it was only minus 1.6 C this is now officially the coldest winter in 20 years… and 20 years ago I was well I was 20 years younger so I didn’t mind the cold, well I did but not as much!

    I  cannot complain about the weather I know so many of you out there have it so much worse. Yes I am a whiny baby! Sorry I just am!

    But then I go out of the front door.. where there is NO HEATING and BRRRRR…

    IMG_2300 IMG_2299

    My Parsley is snapped frozen!!

    It actually looks very pretty here!

    Then as if that wasn’t bad enough…

    IMG_2297

    That is frost or ice or something cold and white all over the pond!!

    Wait it’s getting worse I am building it up for you… on the top of our camping trailer we have a tarp to protect the metal from the weather HA!! And on the weekend I said to my Bloke

    Bloke, let’s drain this water off here, aren’t you worried about it making the trailer rusty?”

    Bloke said “Nah it’ll be ok, but we will empty it“… well it didn’t get done and then this happened…

    IMG_2296

    It looks like a puddle with leaves floating in it… it’s actually a miniature ice skating rink for the cats or the birds!

    It was frozen solid!! and it was still partly frozen at 2.00 pm! Hate to tell you this, for the fact that I may be repeating myself but I HATE WINTER!!!

    So here’s what I did today to take my mind off the horrible weather outside…

     Here is the video clip I watched.. it’s easy!!